my cat meows a lot. today was a weird day. i think i may have gotten and stayed mad for no reason. i got a new phone and its hard to type on but now i found swype so it works better. i havent used my laptop to type in a while and it feels like i cant type on it anymore and that’s extremely sad. sometimes i feel really fat and disgusting and then stupid for not doing anything to change it. sometimes i feel like i have no motivation. and i dont think i do. i dont really work that hard for things even if i know i want them. i dont think theres anything i’ve worked really hard for at all and that’s really something regrettable. it’s the same way i feel about teaching. i dont think im good at it and that’s why i should stop. i think that that’s how its supposed to be. the first year of teaching will always be difficult. thats what everyone is saying, but you know, i do feel like crap sometimes because i feel like im failing the kids, and im not holding onto all of them. and i feel like they know it and and it sucks that theyre my guinea pigs and it feels like they dont respect me and then i realize that maybe i dont deserve it.
sometimes when i scold them it feels like im talking to a wall. i have too many facial expressions for them to take me seriously. my emotions get in the way. i know i like some students better than others and i know thats kind of messed up. i like the students that try. i think i’ve gotten too attached to them and that makes me weak in teaching and discipline and all that. and sometimes it’s really weird because we’re not in public school and so many things are unacceptable and it’s hard to work on it. sometimes i still feel like a student and i take advantage of it. when i know some of the teachers or administration are sweet on me because ive known them for so long and maybe because i’ve experienced it all before. but it’s so different now. and it’s hard doing a lot of things at once and sometimes i want to give up but i know i cant because i’ll let them down even more. i told one of my classes that im not coming back next year and even told them that i dont think im a good teacher and that was a dumb move because some of them were like no, and now that i think about it, that was maybe just one person. and then another one was like, well maybe that’s just because you’re inexperienced and im like, please stop talking because maybe youll hurt my feelings.
and i was right, my feelings are hurt. i hurt myself. it’s hard hearing the truth out loud. i feel younger. like im being scolded and i have no control. i think i lost it today. and i really hope i get it back by tomorrow morning.
ps. my cat is crazy. jumping and meowing and shiz.
also, since i was feeling like crap today on the way home, i really wanted to paint/draw/ink and i had some ideas. but then i went to sleep and it’s too late to start because now i have to do school things.
how am i supposed to find a job and what the hell am i going to do? Oh Allah, please make this easy.
Recently I’ve been reading a lot. Last week began with Uncommon Criminals by Ally Carter (2/3). I was going to start reading the 3rd book, but didn’t get into it. By Wed/Thurs, I started Enclave by Ann Aguirre. Friday, i think I started reading the 2nd book, Outpost. This was pretty good, 3rd book coming out in October this year. Post-Apocalyptic world and all the good stuff. Then I started reading the Birthmarked trilogy by Caragh O’Brien. Prized I finished yesterday, and I started Promised today. It’s not written that well, but I’m hanging on to the story because now I want to see how it ends. These last two series are after the world has been reborn-ish. But Aguirre has more stuff in the story. and like zombie/mutants a nicer love story amidst all the madness. Birthmarked has been kind of a good ride, but the writing style, i guess, seems a bit low.
wow, im having such a tough time writing/typing. obviously i havent posted inn a while. it’s taking such a long time to finish such short paragraphs. but anyways. im reading a lot. it’s weird, because before i felt like i didnt have time to do that, and now i guess im catching up. Today feels like im missing something. and i went to sleep at around 6 or something and i just woke up at 10 and i know i have work to do and im not doing it. i had a weird day at school. i was angry after 7th period for a weird reason and so that made me tired. anyways, i feel like im not being productive a lot. lots of feels right now.